


dave strider's journal (not a diary) ( alternatively titled: disclaimer: im not gay!)

by gayriot



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bromance, Fluff, Gaaaaaaaay, Gay, M/M, Possible smut, Shota boys, Slow To Update, dave is just a big baby, he doesnt know how to properly express lovey feelings, he smol, idk man, johns a big oblivious dork with a dorky face
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 02:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5029615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayriot/pseuds/gayriot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dont fuckin' read this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably gonna be ooc whoo boy (also look at me i learned how to use colored text next thing u know ill be hackin into the site!)

alright so this is a JOURNAL okay not a diary and i most definitely did not start this because of a certain tentacle-loving bitch named rose  


think of this as a documentary on my life that has nothing to do with rose. and rose, if you're reading this, stop going through my laptop you ass  


disclaimer: i am not gay and any seemingly homoerotic sentences i happen to jot down in here are nothing more than pure thought okay  


so basically in the beginning god made me, dave motherfucking strider, the most badass angel ever and the devil made john egbert, the most evil and conniving shota boy demon in the universe and yeah i called him a shota boy but i also called him a demon and my disclaimer says im not gay so suck it  


johns got big teeth and tan skin and annoyingly bright blue eyes and really fuckin messy hair and hes got horrible taste in movies like geez egderp im vomiting up my entire skeletal system over here while you squawk about matthew mcconaughey for the 50th time  


and hes like. so short. he smol he so smol  


and??? he always???? wears my FUCKIGN ???? clothes??? u have ur own goddamn sweaters boi stop putting on mine and getting your scent into everything i wear and the sweaters dont even fit u so ur just over there flapping the long sleeves around and whacking my head with 'em while u drown in the ocean that is my sweater and geez u look so fucking cute and thats not right because im straight right  


disclaimer: im the most hetero of sexuals to ever hetero im just so heterosexual up in this bitch me and my wife karen are a respectable family we've got a daughter and a son and they're named brenda and axle and our dogs name is daisy come look at our clean and well-manicured two-story suburban home we're having a barbecue on Sunday and karens got book club on monday ill invite the guys over for some Breaking Bad and a few beers.  


what if im like some super gay secret agent that lives a double life as a 100% straighter-than-North-Dakota-Highway-46 douchebag. maybe im both. the world may never know  


have u picked up on my use of periods yet (rose i know you're reading this) it's a skill i have been perfecting for a very long time and i would appreciate any feedback anyone has on it except i shouldnt get feedback because no one should be reading this damn thing u liar  


but i know someones gonna read it. i feel it. it'll probably be someone worse than rose, like john. he'll probably pick this up like "hehe time to pull some mad prankster shit on dave" in his high nerdy voice and then he'll get weirded out that i talked about him and john by the time you're reading this i'll have moved to mexico under a different name with my respectable suburban family so don't try and pull any prankster gambits k  


speak of the devil, john just got home. we live in an apartment together since his college is in texas and i just so happen to already live out here. good ol' Texas. the stars at night r big an bright deep in the heart of texas yaddayaddayadda however that song goes.  


and yeah the dork wants me to watch a dumb movie with him and he said he would pour water all over my laptop if i didn't and hell no i am not risking that so gotta blast  



	2. wooman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> character development (?)

so it has been a HELLA long time since i wrote in this. before i get ahead of myself, im going to name this journal so i dont have to keep referring to you as "this" or "you" or just "journal." u shall be dubbed: ...i dont know, uh how about bro. bro's good.  


ANYWAY, crazy shit went down since i last talked to u, bro. previously-mentioned tentacle bitch let some deetz about my homo feels for one egbert slip to a certain bucktoothed cousin, and im 99% sure that jade was the one that then shared this juicy gossip with dadbert. long story short, dadbert wants me to address him as "dad" (hes taken to calling me "son") and jade is overjoyed at this character development ive apparently made.  


not much developing happened in my eyes; all i see is the betrayal of an albino witch with too much time on her greedy little manicured hands. i hope one of her creepy wizard fics gets a negative comment on her weird fanfiction sites. fuck that noise.  


although it seems like everyone and their mother has learned of my totally no-homo love for the egbooty, the only person kept out of the loop is the keeper of that booty. its almost sad how oblivious that lil fucker is. he just wakes up everyday thinking "oh gee dave and i are real good FRIENDS when i marry a nice respectable WOOMAN and have children with her im gonna name our children after my good ol PAL dave ill name one kid dave and another david and another elizabeth (becuz his middle name is elizabeth! :B) and i dont care whos a boy or girl theyre all getting named after dave" dosnt he.  


maybe if i could just woman up and tell him how i feel i wouldnt be in this angst-ridden teenage state of mind. sometimes i get worried that maybe my feelings are requited and that hell get tired of waiting for me and move on to someone else who could have dating potential. im not sure what would hurt worse, him falling in love with a girl...or a guy.  


if he dated a girl, then i would:  


  


1) have closure that i couldnt have been with him anyway and that i just need to get over it 2) still be his best friend 3) be there for him on his wedding day 4) etc.  


if he hopped aboard the erection express and dated a guy:  


1) i would know that i had a chance and i blew it 2) be an undercover gay (probably) while he gushed about his boyf 3) probably ruin everything one day by snapping and expressing my feelings 4) et-fucking-c.  


maybe in some alternate universe me and john end up together and adopt two children and get our own show like "the little couple" because although im a god at 6 feet, john is a small baby elf prince at 5'6  


thinking about john as an elf prince makes me want to put flowers in his hair and take pictures of him laughing in the park. i should do that. hed probably be down for that shit.  


i sound like the hipster douche i truly am, dont i  


i bet hed look real fuckin pretty like that; laying down on the grass with his wild hair flared out around him and full of tiny flowers and the sun casting shadows across his face and smilin his big goofy smile that he always has. id love to take a picture like that.  


that would be a good way to ask him out, huh bro? i dont know maybe im just letting my gay thoughts drive me but... it could work. yeah  


that could work right  


ill text rose about it, but i have no doubt shell somehow find a way to read this before i can even mention it to her. ill take john out to the park for a photo shoot and just take it from there. yeah. i can do that.  


(i cant fucking do that but whatevs)

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "WOOMAN" was originally a really hilarious (to me at least) typo but then i just rolled wit it. also this is a shitty filler chapter i guess but like ill make sure the next one isnt as shitty


	3. "guess what i ruined yet another good thing in my life," the angsty adult who never got out of his scene phase thinks with a sigh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sweats nervously

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whats this????author updates a multi-chap fic????dusjfgdsjhfghds

so  


uh  


i didnt quite follow through with my original "take-john-out-for-a-not-date-photo shoot" idea  


i woke up one morning with every intention of getting on with it and i walked out into the kitchen to start the most important meal of this dreadful day when i saw him standing at the tsove making eggs and wearing that ugly apron we found in a dumpster a couple months ago and he was humming along to some marilyn monroe song playing on his phone and his glasses were pushed up into his hair that was still all floofy with bedhead like some pomeranian and he was wearing faded yellow socks and a shirt with the logo of some band that he said he hates and the gym shorts he was wearing were mine and i know he likes to deny it but i had stitched the words "apple bottom" onto the butt in tiny letters so i would know they were mine and i just  


i could. not.fucking. do it.  


there are only so many pure moments on this planet and that just so happened to be one of them  


so instead i snuck up behind him and rested my elbow on top of his head which successfully knocked his glasses into his face so i tucked them into the collar of his shirt for him  


he just looked up at me with this big smile despite it being fucking 10 am and the sight of his dimples made me want to absolutely melt right there so instead i just leaned over and looked at the pan on the stove and said "look at you, my trophy winning housewife" and he giggled and said "as long as you're bringing home the bacon ill cook it" even though we dont usually ever have bacon because that shit is expensive and he actually earns more money than i do  


bro i think i have a problem  


that problem's name starts with a J  


after that we went down to the clothing exchange store i work at (id call it a thrift shop but my boss has requested i call it a "clothing exchange store") and looked around at the fine selection of $2 grandma sweaters because we both agreed that we need our own clothing  


we didnt actually buy anything because we started making fart noises with our hands behind unsuspecting customers to freak them out and we got distracted (and got kicked out but whatever)  


im not allowed to come in the store on my days off now  


while we were walking home the sun got even brighter if thats fucking possible and at first i didnt notice it (i had to squint even with my shades on; i didnt notice much anyway) but i looked at john and his hair was fucking dancing like a light breeze was passing through even though there was no wind and no one elses hair was doing that and the sun was just engulfing him in light and i swear to god or whatever fucking deity witnessed that angsty little moment i had there i almost started crying  


i didnt have my camera so i pulled my phone out and pretended to take a picture of the sky above him  


im pretty sure he knew what i was doing anyway that smug little shit  


for a couple of minutes we stood in front of a shop window where they were selling windchimes and the rainbow reflecting off the little glass butterfly of the windchime he was looking at was hitting him right in the eyes and for once i was okay with just having this memory in my head instead of on a photo  


he was staring at it and smiling and rambling on about how pretty it was and about how we should get a couple windchimes for home ("wouldnt you like to take a couple of these home, dave?" "sure as long as youre paying for them, eggs, what do i look like? a sugar daddy?" he still laughed at what i said but ihatemyself for not syang something else) and i thought about how unrealistic my hopes for the future were because john egbert does not belong to me or anyone else and he doesnt have to stay here and one day he will grow up and graduate college and meet some nice girl and go all the way with her and fall in love (in whatever order that may come) and then he will have to leave me and leave our home and leave texas and theyll find their own home and one day ill just be known as uncle dave that creepy old guy who hangs around the house a lot and smells like cheetos and wants to be a dj and ill just be johns old best friend, the guy he roomed with back in college, a close acquaintance, childhood friend dave and i cant compete with the gorgeous gal hes going to marry or with the little kids he will have running around on his green front yard and then after i thought about all that (i really havent stopped thinking about it)  


i fucking kissed him and i i have never regretted anything more in my entire life  


i kissed him on his cheek (or his jaw, whatever i could reach, i dont fucking know) and then he stared at me like he was scared and then i got scared so i said "what" and then i pretended to see someone i know even though we both know everyone that i know is either dead or in another country besides him and i ended up running back to the thrift store like the overdramatic 12-year-old i am but then i remembered that i cant go in there so i just hid in the alley behind it  


bro i fucked up  


(rose since i know youre gonna read this please dont text me about how i handled the whole homoerotic situation completely wrong)  



	4. art student has a revelation and finally womans up (almost)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 

hello, journal.   


it is i, dave.   


i have recently come to the conclusion that i am, indeed, very homosexual.  


although my previous entries may have given any implications that i am not gay, i ask you to please disregard those notions.   


i have come to terms with my sexuality and made peace with it.  


i no longer have a use for you, journal, as i will be confiding in rose, my dearest, beloved sister, from now on.  


i suppose this is goody7ewu   


fuckign HELL  


rose is a motherfucking bitchtit and i hope she falls in a hole and dies she has no right to read my angsty online journal and point out any typos or grammatical errors and then plagrize my writing wtf u fuckin squid bitch  
i was just informed by said squidbitch that what she did was not plagiarizing but bro, if you could see my face im sure you'd be able to tell that i am not giving one single hot flaming gay fuck  
dear lord iv turned into karkat  


speaking of karkles, the lil devil blocked me on facebook for calling him one spicy jalapeno papi  
i am offended and hurt by his actions  


rose is telling me that i should be more aware of karkats feelings  
  
he is a sensitive little man  
  
shut up

  


i suddenly regret putting these docs on google rose shared them to her account on my laptop and shes watching me type and i dont know how to kick her out

  


David, sweetie, you have been using Google for over a year now. You should've figured it out by now. I thought you were the tech-savvy one?  
  
stfu  
  
i am so tech savvy  
  
savviest of them all  
  
you underestimate me my darling

  


Yes, of course. I've been so blind.  
  
Excuse me for cutting our interaction off so quickly, but I do believe you have some feelings to spill. I will be logging off now. Don't worry about me checking the document, I shall be gone for quite a while.  
  
Goodbye brother.

  


see ya latrz

  


...

  


shes gone

  


ding dong! the witch is dead wake up sleepy head rub your eyes get out of bed wake up the wicked witch is dead

  


anyway,

  


i haven't been back at the apartment with john in about a week and a half  
my weekend stay at karkat's place turned into more than just one weekend, god bless the little one for putting up with me im surprised he hasn't literally blown his top off by now  


  


jade has been telling me that i should listen to the voice of reason and go back home where john is and talk to him and discuss things since apparently the dude has been worried sick over me but i told her to be a good little messenger and tell him that i was just having a real long sleepover with karkat and that i should be back soon  
i hope im not worrying him too mucg  
i been having some weird batshit crazy dreams lately and usually id say fuck that noise who wants to decipher their own mind rendezvous but i figured hey why not talk about something thats been really  
bugging you for a while that isnt john instead of bottling it up forever  
i actually lied its still kinda about john just not wholly  


  


i keep having dreams where john dies because of me or john watches me die or my friends die or something and its been really fucking with my mood  
i just realized the inevitability of death and at any moment i could lose the love of my life and my friends and i dont give two shits about how corny or gay that sounds  
ive always known how easy it would be to lose him i guess i just  
never thought about it to this extreme  


  


i think id rather see him fall in love with someone that isnt me than not have him in my life at all  
hes all ive been able to think about lately and i  
can i be real with u bro for a quick second; a hot minute  
im scared  
i dnt think john realizes just how influential and magnetic he is  
everyone is attracted to this boy  
ive seen people shamelessly flirt with that oblivious fucker and threw themselves at his feet for his friendship and although i may be exaggerating a lil im really not because thats how it seems  
ii dont want anyone else to have him  
id claim him as my own if i could but thats really fucking creepy john isnt some toy i can just write my name in sharpie on and tell all the othr kids at preschool that hes mine and no one else can play with him  
im surprised my friends haven't totally cut me off with how mopey ive been ever since i kissed him  
karkat thinks i made it worse by avoiding john and hes right  
god i love my friends  
i love them so mcuh  
i think im gonna go back  
im gonna talk to him about  
whatever happens will happen  
...right after i take a nap  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coding will be the death of me.


	5. rose, jade==> plan the most important, philosophical intervention of the century

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhHEY i was hungover as heck this mornin and im still feelin it a little BUT guess what one of my best friends asked me to date her and she did it in the form of FISH PUNS on a note she gave me with a bag of princess goldfish crackers ("i thoughtt id formally ask you to date me... with puns/theres plenty of fish in the sea...but youre the only one im sea-urchin for.") she knows the way to my heart
> 
> also i went to a party last night and i actually cannot feel my limbs (but my phalanges are A-OK) and my throat feels like i deepthroated a dick coated in shards of glass and gravel

I was thinking about adding Dirk and Roxy to this document, maybe even Karkat and Kanaya. What do you think?  


Jade?  


Hello?  


....  


Jadelyn Harley.  


Are you there?  


ahh sorry rose!!! my computer froze while you were typing! D:  


That's quite alright. You're here now.  


yep! and i think that we should wait until we add any of the others. just until we have more of a plan going.  


Good idea, Jade. As Dave mentioned in his last document, the voice of reason is you.  


...is that the doc you promised you wouldnt read?  


I do believe that his state of mind is enough justification for a bit of sister-meddling.  


i suppose so. anyway, since you brought it up, how is dave doing? did he go back home?  


No, sadly he's only moved his base to my home. Kanaya has decided to act as a motherly figure and set him up on the pullout couch.  
I can't say that I'm any better, though. I may not be as sweet to him about his staying here as she is, but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not doing his laundry for him and such.  


i hate to undermine your reputation as #1 advice-maker...but it seems like a bad idea to me to be babying him so much!!  
he might get used to it!  
if he doesnt get off his lazy, skinny, pasty butt, hell never do it!  
he has to grow some...balls or whatever the heck will get so uncomfortable that hell have to get off his ugly butt.  


Jade, since I don't trust myself to give into compassion's ravenous ways and continue to act as a concerned caretaker for my dear brother, what would you suggest that we do?  


wow rose, no disrespect intended or anything, but i totally did not expect you to ask me what to do! :B  
alrighty, since you asked...i would like to introduce you to phase 1 of "pepsi-cola."  


...Pepsi-cola?  


you know, since john has blue eyes and dave has red! and pepsi is blue, coke is red, yaddayaddayadda.

...rose?  


How did you come about this information? Did Dave tell you?  


i kinda had a dream about it and assumed it was true. was i wrong?  


Actually no; you were spot on. I just wasn't expecting that.  
As usual I have no idea how you know these things.  


hehehe. >:)  


Getting back on track, do tell—what is phase one?  


it all starts with dave!  
someone needs to have a chat with him! i suggest that his siblings (including you), kanaya, karkat and i all sit down with him and have an intervention.  


Are you saying that we make him become self-aware of his actions?  


yes! i assume that after a little meeting, dave will start cleaning up his mess piece-by-piece.  


I have to say Jade, with a bit more construction I believe that plan might just do the trick.  


:D  


I don't usually do this, but... :)  


:DD  


Alright, I've reached my limit.  


haha!  
:D  
alrighty, lets add roxy and dirk in!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wasn't supposed to have such a developing plot line but here we are only five chapters in already trying to attempt actual character development while introducing more characters.  
> 


End file.
